What if you lose a parent at a young age? ‘Grief lasts a lifetime’
Adults who lost a parent during childhood tend to experience greater attachment anxiety in romantic relationships, according to Carline van Heijningen’s doctoral research. However, this anxiety was less pronounced among those who recall having a strong bond with their deceased parent during childhood.
‘Well, that sounds like a cheerful topic,’ was one of the responses Carline van Heijningen received when she explained that her research focused on grief. More specifically, she investigates how the loss of a parent in childhood continues to shape adult life and what factors influence people’s different responses to such loss. Her fascination with the subject had already been longstanding, and reactions like these only reinforced the importance of her research. ‘Despite the growing awareness around grief and death, there remains a taboo.’
Learning to live with loss
According to Van Heijningen, this taboo is linked to the complex emotions surrounding grief. ‘Grief isn’t just sadness. Someone might also feel relief, particularly if their loved one had endured a long illness. And then guilt can follow. Or a person might experience jealousy when they see friends enjoying time with both parents.’ These emotions can be difficult for others to handle, especially as they cannot simply be “fixed” or erased. She avoids using the term ‘processing grief’ because it implies that grief has an endpoint. Instead, she prefers ‘learning to live with loss’. In her dissertation, Life after loss, which she will defend on 18 March, she explores the long-term impact of childhood parental loss and the role of social support in shaping these experiences.
Impact on relationships
For her research, Van Heijningen employed a combination of methods. She conducted surveys with three groups of adults: those who had lost a parent during childhood, those who had experienced parental loss in adulthood, and those whose parents were still alive. Participants answered questions about their current well-being, relationships, and parenting experiences. Additionally, she carried out in-depth interviews with members of the first group, as well as with siblings who had lost a parent in childhood. ‘This mixed-method approach helps us better interpret the survey findings. Moreover, while much existing research focuses on health or academic performance, studies specifically examining the impact of childhood grief on personal relationships later in life remain relatively scarce.’
Greater attachment anxiety
Analysis of the surveys revealed that adults who had lost a parent in childhood did not differ significantly from the other groups in most aspects of life. However, they did report slightly higher levels of attachment anxiety and avoidance in romantic relationships. Those with children also expressed more fear that they or their partner might die prematurely. ‘This suggests that they worry their child might endure the same loss they once faced.’
Supporting someone through grief: three key tips
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Remember significant dates – Mark birthdays or the anniversary of the loved one’s passing in your calendar. ‘These are moments when grief can resurface. A simple message to acknowledge the loss can mean a great deal.’
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Keep asking and listening – ‘Conversations about grief don’t always have to be profound. You could ask, “What did you used to do with your dad?” This recognises that the deceased remains part of their life, even in absence.’
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Be attuned to their needs – ‘Don’t be alarmed if someone isn’t visibly grieving. They may express their emotions privately, finding solace in work or school. The key is to check in and be present.’
Emotional foundation
One striking finding was that adults who had enjoyed a strong bond with their deceased parent during childhood exhibited lower levels of attachment anxiety in later relationships. ‘That may seem counterintuitive, but it makes sense: if you had a secure bond with your parent, that relationship serves as an emotional foundation for future attachments.’ Van Heijningen believes this underscores the importance of acknowledging the child’s connection with their deceased parent. ‘Much attention is given to the surviving parent and their ability to provide emotional support. But even in death, the bond with the other parent remains.’
(In)sensitive responses
The way a grieving child’s social environment reacts can have long-lasting effects. Insensitive or dismissive comments can echo for years. Van Heijningen recalls one study participant who, a year after their parent’s death, told a teacher they were struggling. The teacher responded, ‘Oh, still?’ – as if the grief should have passed by then.
Listening without judgement
Providing support means continuing to ask how someone is doing and listening without judgement. Well-meaning advice or personal anecdotes are not always helpful. Sensitivity is key; not all children feel comfortable talking about their loss. ‘Some find plenty of space for mourning at home and may seek distraction at school.’ And support doesn’t always have to be verbal. ‘One participant described how their home was a safe and comforting place to return to, even without constant conversations about the loss.’
Grief education
Grief is deeply personal and ever-changing, and Van Heijningen’s research reinforces this understanding. No two people grieve the same way, and grief is never truly “finished.” Because social support plays such a vital role in shaping these experiences, she advocates for greater education and awareness. ‘I studied psychology, yet I don’t recall ever having a lecture on grief. Now, I teach courses on the subject within the Pedagogical Sciences programme. It’s a missed opportunity if this knowledge isn’t integrated into such fields.’
Grief in various forms
Currently working as a psychologist in mental health care, Van Heijningen encounters grief in various forms—whether it’s through the loss of a loved one or the stagnation caused by mental health struggles. And in all cases, the same principles apply: ask, listen, withhold judgement, and create space for complex emotions.